Out of Darkness

"that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light." 1 Peter 2:9b

This speaks volumes to my brokenness. It is hard for some people to understand when I talk about the Darkness inside me. Even my closest of close friends would be shocked if they truly knew who dark it gets. This is not me beating myself up. It is an honest evaluation of my soul. When Paul talks about the thorn in his flesh I know exactly what he means. It is as if the thorn was put there to constantly keep us in check. Otherwise if we started actually living the Person we desire to be we would get arrogant. On the inverse of that; it takes constant study of Biblical Giants to keep me out of depression. Thankfully I have my buddies Paul and David. Coincidentally these are the names of my Dad and Uncle, respectively. I digress. Paul had a past like none other, yet God used him for mighty things. He apparently didn't get along with the rest of early Christendom as is recorded. He still had a desire to overcome that "thorn" and serve God in humility. He had more to brag on than anyone, yet he was a sinner like everyone else. Then there is King David. The one who was set apart from youth to be King. Everyone knew he would do mighty things, it was just expected after he killed the Giant. If you read Psalms though, it would appear as if he was bi-polar. One chapter covers his dedication to the Father; the next we would be lamenting his own wickedness. David screwed up a lot, and this is a man after God's own heart. I beat myself up because my laziness causes me to sin. I hate that the true desire of my heart is not always first and foremost directed at God. I don't sit down with Jesus and take in his Word. I am very weak and it frustrates me that I am not better. It is rebellion at its purest. I know what is expected, and yet I happily disobey.
I need a ash and sack-cloth period in my life. I accept I can not achieve perfection. Even if I could that would still not be worthy of God's attention outside of Grace. I am merely seeking a time to sit and wait. Wait for God to tell me its okay to move. What I really mean by all this is that I am in a Post-Plague period of my spiritual journey. Exodus 8:14 says that even after the Frogs had gone away, "the land reeked of them." I am forgiven. I praise God that I am forgiven. There are still consequences that I have to deal with.
I guess all that to say I am still trying to figure out my Salvation. Its kind of a complicated thing. I guess that's why it is supposed to be done with Fear and Trembling.

"Music is all around us, you just have to listen."
This quote is of course not from the Bible, its from August Rush. I think God created Music because at some point words fall flat when trying to express ourselves. I very much envy people who are musically talented, whether in playing or singing. I know everyone says just make a joyful noise, but when you sing like I do sometimes its so bad I have to stop for the sake of my ears. Actually now that I think about it. I envy anyone with Creative talent. I get frustrated a lot because I feel like I have a lot inside that I want to express, but no medium to express it with. I can barely draw stick figures, I have zero rhythm, and writer's block hits me like a ton of bricks anytime I pick up a pen. I am tired of singing the songs other people have written, not literally, but I am looking for my own song.

This may sound like a real Debbie-Downer post, but I have never, literally never, been happier in my life. I find myself smiling for no other reason that because I am happy. Although there may be a lot of darkness in my heart; he has called me out of it so that I might declare his praises.